Kids in crisis: Parents struggle with rapid changes affecting their teens

“I sought at the time to get care for the concussion, and it was not provided,” Erin said. “So afterward, I tried to get mental health care because I noticed a steep change in everything.”

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Her mood changed, she lost interest in what she was doing and her behavior changed, Erin said. It took almost a year to get an appointment at Dayton Children’s for a psychiatric evaluation. Kay was able to get a diagnosis for generalized anxiety disorder and Erin said things changed for the family afterwards. They connected with providers and were able to get help.

“As a parent, it’s just the most incredible feeling, just to have that feeling of, oh my gosh, maybe I’m starting to connect with my kid again, and to have that be gone, it’s terrifying,” Erin said.

As more kids are struggling with their mental health, some of that burden is also on their parents, who now have to advocate for their kids, navigate a confusing mental health system and work with their kids on a daily basis.

As part our Mental Health Matters series on mental health challenges facing kids, our reporters spoke to families and experts about how parents are impacted by the crisis. Our reporters found:

Watching for changes

Stephanie Ayers, a local mom in Fairborn, has struggled with depression and anxiety, and her husband also experienced mental health challenges, so it was something they watched for in their children, Ayers said.

“My daughter definitely has forms of it. She’s had panic attacks, so it was something that we kept an eye on,” Ayers said.

Ayers’ youngest son also had struggles, particularly after going through adverse experiences while growing up. They monitored his mental health through his pediatrician before getting him medication.

“His doctor would make him fill out...a form, answer questions, and based on that, we knew where his depression was going,” Ayers said.

Ayers’ son also struggled when their family moved from Virginia to Ohio. He had learning difficulties in a previous school district.

“He kind of fell through the cracks. He lost his love for learning, and it just really destroyed him,” Ayers said.

They later moved to Fairborn, changing school districts and switching to online learning. Her son developed close relationships and friendships, as well as continued on his medication.

He doesn’t seem to have a lot of bouts, Ayers said, but she watches for changes in his mood and interests, and she reaches out to him when she notices changes.

“We have a very close relationship, so he knows he can come to me for anything,” Ayers said.

How should parents respond

When children reach out to their parents for help with their mental health, experts say listening is key.

“A lot of times parents go into problem solving mode to try and help, but have not really listened to/heard the child,” said Dr. Kelley Blankenship, the division chief of psychiatry at Dayton Children’s Hospital.

Ask open-ended questions to get more information, she said.

“It is also important to validate the child’s feelings,” Blankenship said.

Warning sings a child or adolescent might be struggling can include changes in baseline behavior, she said. Some examples include if the adolescent appears more withdrawn, if there are changes in irritability level, if there are changes in sleep patterns, not seeming to enjoy things they used to like, appearing sad or apathetic, decrease in energy level or a change to a more negative attitude.

“When parents initially start to see these changes, it is important to start to talk about it,” Blankenship said.

A conversation starter could look like, “I’ve noticed that you have appeared sad over the last week. Could we talk about that?”

“It is important to have the conversation when everyone is calm and in a private place,” Blankenship said.

Showing them the way

For parents, it’s good to practice their own self-care and develop their own coping strategies, both to protect their mental health but also as a way to model their behavior for their children.

“It’s important to start (practicing) some good, healthy habits — instilling really healthy habits — so that when your children face adversity later in life that they’re able to basically face that with really good, healthy coping skills,” said Julie Manuel, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Kettering Health.

For local parents, they’re finding they’re not in a “do what I say, not what I do” kind of world. This could lead to some parental introspection.

Credit: Jim Noelker

Credit: Jim Noelker

“For me, the world is so fast paced,” said Rebecca Rine, a Washington Twp. mom. “Everything is delivered to us immediately.”

“My attention span is dwindling, so I have to be a better role model for my kids,” Rine said. “I have to remind myself, OK, slow down. It’s like a constant saying ‘no’ to the temptations.”

It’s like eating vegetables, she said. If her kids don’t see her eating vegetables, they’re not going to see that it’s important.

“I’m not just telling my kids, ‘Hey, you should really focus more and read a book.’ I have to read a book,” Rine said.

Being willing and vulnerable to talk openly about your feelings is one good, healthy habit, Manuel said. It can help kids develop healthy ways to deal with difficult emotions or adversity.

“Not necessarily oversharing details, but it also means that you’re able to show how you bounce back from a mistake, how you’re able to communicate, ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I hurt your feelings. This is what I was feeling in that moment,’” Manuel said.

“Recognizing that people mess up...can speak volumes for children down the road,” she said.

‘Boredom is not the enemy’

When social media and technology becomes part of the problem, local parents are helping their children take a break.

Part of disconnecting from technology for a bit means understanding how to cope with boredom instead of seeking the instant gratification that social media and smart phones offer.

Boredom is not the enemy, Rine says to her kids.

“Boredom is what your brain needs to kind of feel at peace, to combat that anxiety, because to me, anxiety stems from overload. Too much information, too much things coming at you that you can’t process,” Rine said.

People need moments to sit with that boredom and to process their emotions, she said.

“The goal is to just be yourself. Know that emotions are going to come and go, but that doesn’t mean that’s who you are,” Rine said.

It’s not an easy task, she said.

“We just do little things here and there, like we have a parking bucket for their phones,” Rine said.

The attachment to one’s cell phone becomes so strong, it’s like almost like a security blanket, Rine said.

“So I say just park it for a little bit. It doesn’t have to be the whole night, but just park it to have your autonomy back,” Rine said.

“They admit, ‘Yeah, my brain feels better,’” Rine said. “I want them to have that awareness of, ‘Okay I do feel better when I’m not sitting on my phone for eight hours a day.’”

Making friends, and parenting

Since the pandemic, more kids have struggled to be social and make friends, according to teachers, parents and others who work closely with children.

Grace Schoessow, a parent coach and director of Infant Early Childhood Mental Health at the Greene County Educational Service Center, said the pandemic and the increase in technology has meant the ways that kids normally build social fluency have eroded.

“We’re seeing a lot of kids are just behind in their social skill development,” she said. “It’s a dual problem. It’s the excess screen usage and the lack of those typical developmental experiences during the pandemic.”

The brain’s pleasure centers tend to light up while using cell phones, she noted, particularly with some social media apps meant to be addictive. When the brain is seeking that same pleasure, it can be difficult for both kids and adults to ignore.

Parents can help kids by modeling behavior of making friends. An adult bringing a friend over and interacting with them or making a new friend could help their child understand how to do it.

Youth activities are another way to help kids make friends.

“Encouraging a child to engage in an activity they are interested in can help with some of the anxiety,” Blankenship said. “They will find other youths with common interests in these activities.”

Shared common interests give them things to discuss and engage in together, she said. One example is having a child take art classes if they love art.

“They will find other youth with the same interest. This makes conversation and deciding what activity to engage in easier,” Blankenship said.

Social stigma of parenting

Parents can feel that the performance and problems of their children are a reflection of themselves.

“Parents feel an incredible amount of pressure to have a child achieving certain things and meeting expectations,” Schoessow said. “And if another adult in their life might say like we feel like they’re not meeting our expectations for whatever reason, then shame and guilt can creep in and really disrupt that relationship.”

She noted a lot of the problems that kids are facing are social problems, like technology use and pandemic recovery, not problems specific to the family.

Ann Marie Scalero, Kettering Schools Program Manager for South Community Behavioral Health, said it can be difficult for kids to communicate what they need to their parents. It can lead to kids acting out worse, she said.

Seeing kids struggle can also be hard for parents, Scalero said. It can cause anxiety and stress. There can be financial struggles with a kid needing more medical attention, and parents could struggle at work since they’re worried about their kid.

“It really does have an impact on everyone,” Scalero said.

“Don’t give up,” she said. “You, as a parent, are the voice for your child many times, and their biggest advocate, and they need that from you.”

Schoessow likes to remind parents that mental health struggles are not a reflection of parenting skills, but are part of the human experience, just like physical health challenges.

“I often explain that, just as we would seek help for a broken bone or an illness, it’s equally important to seek support for mental health concerns,” she said.

‘Therapy speak’

Kay Handler said her mom talking to her and knowing when to let her rest helped her during her mental health journey.

“My mom’s kind of been my rock,” Kay said. “I tell people she’s like my best friend. She always knows when I’m not feeling well. And she’ll come and talk to me, ask me if I need anything.”

Erin Handler works as a certified coach for families who have autistic children and has another child, Kay’s brother, who has autism. But she said it’s different parenting her own children even with those skills.

“When it comes to your own children, when you have your own feelings and emotions, it becomes very difficult when you have your own history,” she said, comparing it to a doctor or a surgeon who would never work with their own family members due to too much emotion.

But she said the training has helped and she uses some of the skills, like positive reinforcement, with her own kids — even though she says sometimes they complain.

“I try to really do my best,” she said. “My kids call it, ’don’t use therapy speak’ or ‘don’t therapize me, mom’.”

Erin said she feels like she’s made a lot of mistakes with her daughter. For example, she made Kay keep going to a therapist Kay said she didn’t like and later apologized for doing that.

But Erin said she would continue to make sure her daughter knows she is loved.

“There was nothing she could ever tell me that she would ever lose my respect or my love,” Erin said.

Good habits for boosting mental health

Parents can help children and adolescents develop healthy habits for their mental health by modeling their own behaviors for their children.

Mental Health America, national nonprofit dedicated to the promotion of mental health, offers the following suggestions to boost mental health:

For more tips, visit mhanational.org.